Late-Night Personalities Target Trump's New 'Gold Card' Residency Plan

Television's top comedians spent their airtime ridiculing President Donald Trump's recently announced immigration initiative, called the "Trump card," characterizing it as a clear cash-for-residency scheme for the affluent.

Colbert's Pointed Take

Opening his broadcast, Stephen Colbert delivered a mock holiday song targeting the president. "He's making a list, reviewing it twice, and then handing that list to the agents at ICE," he intoned. "The President ... destroys each thing he comes into contact with."

The focus was the new plan which permits international citizens to acquire U.S. residency for the price of one million dollars, or "top-tier" option for five million. The program's website pledges processing "faster than ever."

"A quick thought for you to rich foreigners: before you pony up, maybe think about Canada?" Colbert remarked.

He explained that the card is also designed to "squeeze cash" from companies wishing to hire foreign workers, with hefty costs. "That's a lot of fees, but if you register, you also get two free nights at a property of your selection – as long as it's the a specific Marriott," he said.

"The most thorough vetting the U.S. government has ever done," said Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "that $15,000 vetting to make sure these individuals truly qualify to be in America."

"That's important, you gotta prove you're qualified to be an American," Colbert responded. "First question: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Blistering Commentary

On his own program, Jimmy Kimmel referred to the visa program the "Get Into America Express Card."

"It's a card that will let affluent foreigners to live here," he explained. "In exchange for a million dollars, you get legal resident status, you get a route to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one significant crime of your selection."

"It might be time to revise that poem on the Statue of Liberty – never mind your tired masses. Give us a million bucks, you're in!" he added.

Kimmel teased the lack of detail of the application, saying it is "tougher to start a Wordle account." He said that Trump "believes citizenship is something you can sell, like a condo."

"Exactly, the top people are the rich people," Kimmel joked. "That's what Jesus constantly said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you pay the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers covering Affordability Struggles

On another network, Seth Meyers focused on Trump's declining poll ratings during economic concerns. "The public gave Donald Trump a another term because they were angry about the economy," he noted.

Recently, in a effort to tackle cost of living, Trump held a press conference in front of a array of grocery items, where he behaved peculiarly to some cereal.

"What a nice job, I think I'm going to take a few of them back to my cottage and have a lot of fun," Trump stated. "Such as the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a ages."

"He is so fucking weird," Meyers said. "Like, you're going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What's the plan with those Cheerios?"

Meyers concluded by targeting right-leaning news defenses of Trump's financial record. "Maybe rather than complaining, you should give him a sparkling trophy similar to the one FIFA did," he remarked.