Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
As a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship that lasted four years, however I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start seeing any man, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they appear like hard work, frequently causing significant heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I want another man to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to handle different types of intimate connections as fixed. What you need in your current state could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. One day you could encounter someone who provides a life-changing chance to you by reflecting your desires completely … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the value of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to deepen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based therapy professional focusing on treating sexual disorders.
